Crazy Little Thing Called Grief

I started writing this post three days before my cancer diagnosis and it's sat here until now because healing through my miscarriage took a place on the back burner. I had a great story that I wanted to share about how grief can change your perspective on things, that small errands can turn into treacherous emotional waters, and that its no where near a linear path to healing. It went something like this.

March 22, 2021:

"This week I bought my first onesie since my miscarriage. 

Normally I would oooh and awe over how cute those baby outfits are. I would slowly walk through the baby section imagining how cute I would style my future kiddos and thinking how I would convince Dilan we needed just onneee more outfit. I would imagine a closet full of cute outfits and a nursery decorated with all the ideas from Pinterest board. I would be filled with emotions of excitement, love, hope, all the good things.

This time it was different. I didn't dwell in the baby section. I was in and out in a split second. I found what I needed for the gift and peaced the heck outta there. 

This time, I was filled with vastly different emotions. Really, those emotions have encompassed the last few months of my journey. Months full of figuring out how to balance excitement and celebration for others while battling my own emotions of grief, and anxiety, and loss, and hurt, and confusion, and more questions than I had answers. 

But even taking a step towards the baby department I'm calling a win in my book."

________________________

Little did I know when I originally wanted to share that story, I was about start a whole new journey through the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the sadness, and eventually the acceptance of grief a few days later. Instead of only grieving the life I thought I was going to live, I was grieving the life I had lived. Through all of the chaos, grief wasn't something I was not ready to deal with. My get things done attitude kicked into HIGH gear. I had too many others things on my plate that needed addressed. Surgery. Treatment. Lifestyle changes. I didn't have time for grief.

Sure, I knew how to spell it. 

I knew the definition of grief. 

I knew the part of speech.

But I honestly didn't know how to feel it or what it would fully feel like.

And I didn't want to. 

I didn't know the crushing weight I would feel again. And again. And again. Sometimes it hits me on a major milestone. Going to the OBGYN for my yearly checkup sent me down a huge spiral. Sometimes it's when I see the scar on my neck. Sometimes it's when I think about the constant life I have now of labs and meds. Sometimes it's when someone says or does something that just doesn't sit right. Yesterday it was a sunset ride on the lake realizing that at this point I should be barely able to get on a boat at 8.5 months pregnant. Grief is a crazy thing that doesn't have a linear timeline or owners manual. It can so easily steal much joy from you and feel like a rollercoaster you never wanted to be on.  

Sitting in what we don't understand is hard. Honestly, I didn't know how to talk about it and still struggle with it. And I'm not alone. I've realized many people don't know how to talk about it, whether they be the ones experiencing it or watching someone else experience it. So sometimes, people say nothing because they have no idea what in the world to say or they say the wrong thing and it does more harm than good. It can feel like an extremely isolating experience that is so difficult to explain to people.

Grief is a process that ebbs and flows. One day you think "Hey, it's getting better." The next you're in the shower crying because the weight of the grief is so much. One day you are able to make it through something you used to avoid. The next you are struggling to find the words to explain why you feel the way you do. 

These are some of the truths that I've kept repeating to myself in this season. If you're in a season of grief, maybe this is what you need to hear today, too. 

1. Your feelings are valid. Give yourself grace.
2. People might not understand and that's okay.
3. It's important to let yourself grieve. Just do it.  It doesn't slow you down or hinder your success. But instead helps transform you into who you are meant to be. 
4. Your grief and joy can coincide.
5. Coping doesn't mean you've moved on. Grief will always be a part of you, coping just allows you to find ways to weave your new reality into your daily life and function with the new thread woven into that new reality. 

Crazy little thing called grief, I wasn't ready for you, but welcome in.