Kicking Cancer's Ass - Round Two

I was truly hoping after a year of utter hell, my first blog post of 2022 would be one filled with positive news, a chance to journal about a step in the direction I have longed for my life to go for the last year. Journaling about moving on to a season that wasn't focused on survival in one way or another. A post that would be a way of me working through happy emotions instead of grief and hurt and disappointment - turns out my hopes again have been shattered. 

By no fault of anyone, my Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma has returned. For most, having a total thyroidectomy (as well as a few lymph nodes removed) plus Radioactive Iodine (I had one of the highest doses you can have) takes care of the main issue and any residual tissue. But sometimes - despite it all - it comes back. Turns out I have an aggressive and stubborn version of this dang thyroid cancer - one that's giving my own stubbornness a run for it's money. 

I have been through so many appointments and doctor calls in the last few weeks that they make my head spin. I feel like I've handled them a bit better than I did the first time around, but they still aren't easy by any means. The pattern of this followed similar to that of the original discovery of cancer. I went in for a routine 6 month post op ultrasound of my neck. Leading up the ultrasound I kept my mind busy - I found myself falling into my old coping habits. Work and maybe the feelings of worst case scenario, anxiety, and worry, will go away. After school that day I darted over to the doctor's office to have my ultrasound - a procedure that only took 30 minutes but seemed like an eternity. If I'm being honest, I was preparing for the worst because why not? That's how everything else has gone this year, why would a scan go in my favor? That might not be the best way to handle the situation, but for me that was how I was handling the mix of hope and worry. Prepare for the worst and be glad when it turns out good, not disappointment when it turns out bad.

The next day I received a phone call and voicemail from my Endocrinologist to call them back when I had a chance. In my true need to know fashion (yeah... I know I should know better by now... but when you have had the year I had you fall into the trap of need to know now) I checked the online portal only to see that there was a report - which I quickly skimmed until I found the Final Impression "Unfortunately there are several nodules within the thyroid bed and several AJCC Cervical Lymph Node Zones III and IV lymph nodes which have concerning features for possible thyroid cancer."

Medical jargon for your cancer is probably back.

My heart dropped.

My world spun yet again.

I instantly threw myself into the "what ifs and not agains."

Not the news that Dilan and I were hoping for.

I am so thankful for the place I work because even in the most chaotic of weeks, my coworkers stepped in and supported me in a moment of need without even batting an eye.

The next week I had a biopsy, which came back inconclusive. From there I made an appointment with KUMed where I had a CT scan and surgical consult. To spare your head from spinning as mine has been, I'll give you the quick run down of the appointment:

• My CT scan showed the cancer hasn't spread anywhere besides my neck.
• The abnormalities (infected tissue and lymph nodes) showing up in my neck will need to be removed - you guessed it surgery #2 is on the books for January 26th. This one will be a bit more extensive than the first as well as adding another scar to my list of battle scars from the last year.
• Another round of radioactive iodine is not a done deal, but still up in the air
• Dilan and I feel extremely confident in this doctor and comfortable with how KU Med has handled my journey so far

What am I feeling? I've honestly struggled on how to answer this question. Part of me is angry. Part of me is hopeful, but the other part is tired of being hopeful and only receiving bad news. Part of me is frustrated. Part of me tired of making plans that just fall through. All of me is exhausted of this constant cycle of "I can see the finish line" and then all hell seems to break loose.

The most recent finish line I was leaning into was more on the personal side. The finish line was the beginning stages of hormone testing, which I had tentatively scheduled for the end of January because we were officially in the "safe zone" to try for kids after taking the radioactive iodine last May. It was supposed to be a nice change in pace, a nice change of routine after waiting and waiting after our miscarriage. But we are once again at the cross roads of want and need. I don't need a child right now, it is a deep rooted want but not a need, but I do need to be healthy enough and here to have one in the future. So for now, this want and dream will be put on a shelf and gather hope through this season of healing.

Maybe it's a lesson that my planning isn't near as amazing as what God's can be. Or maybe a lesson on how to find hope in the heartache and joy in the suffering. Maybe there's no lesson and it's all just a sucky situation that happens because we live in a fallen world. Right now, it's hard to find the lesson in the suckiness of it all. In the midst of the survival state this last year has thrown me into, it's difficult to see the purpose, so for now all I can manage is trying to shuffle through the hard questions, the hard emotions, and trying to find myself in the midst of a season of survival.

So here's soaking up the last few days of break, learning to give up control and work through grief even more, and most importantly to kicking cancer's ass a second time, and rocking a new battle scar proudly.