Happy Due Date, Baby O

Sweet Baby O,

Happy Due Date. Today we add another "should have been" to our list. Today should have been the day we met you, snuggled you, and saw your sweet face in person for the first time. Unless you were stubborn like me, in that case we might have had to wait a few more days or weeks to meet you.

Unfortunately, God had some other plans in place. Even though we never had the chance to meet you face to face, you have taught me so much and even though these lessons were and are difficult to learn, I am so thankful that you were the one to teach me them. 

You've taught me patience when I needed it most and to have grace with myself.

I've learned to advocate for myself and my health - both mental and physical.

You've taught me to rest.

I've learned that in the seasons of hurt and heartache there is going to be joy for myself and others. And it's going to suck for lack of better terms to have grief and joy at the same time. I still am not sure how to feel and I have to do the hard work in order to learn to wrestle with those chaotic emotions. 

You've taught me it's okay to have boundaries and sometimes you've got to put yourself first. 

I've learned that pushing emotions deeper and deeper doesn't solve anything. And that there is SO much healing to be found in writing, journaling, and listening to other's stories that have walked this road before me. 

You've taught me once again that there is a plan larger than my plan no matter how hard I try to control it all.

I've learned that it's okay to not be okay. 

You've taught me that I have a lot of room to grow. 

I've learned that in the mess and chaos there can be beauty and there can be opportunities to flourish despite the sorrow. 

You've taught me just how much I long to be a mother to a child earth side and long to see your dad experience the fatherhood he has longed for for so long. 

Today, and every day since we lost you, I long for what would have been. I long to not have this scar on my heart. I long to buy baby clothes without hurting. I long to not know this grief. I long to be crafting for you and your room instead of creating miscarriage keepsakes. I long to not have that torturous feeling in my gut when I walk past the baby section, or purchase a gift for a baby shower, or see someone celebrating a pregnancy milestone. I long to not have this gut wrenching bitterness and jealousy stirring in my heart instead of excitement. And maybe most, I long for the future that we will never get, the memories we would have made, and the lessons you would have no doubt taught me throughout your life. 

Even though you're not here, today is your day. Today we celebrate you and the beauty and excitement you brought in such a short amount of time. I can't wait to one day tell your siblings about you and this crazy journey we are on. But for now, your dad and I will grow in the waiting, we will love you from far away, learn to love each other more and more through this journey, and anxiously look forward to the day we get to finally meet you. We love you so much. 

Love, 

Mom