The New Meaning of September

It's wild how all of a sudden days and moments that used to mean nothing hold all of the meaning in the world. I mean who knew that September was Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month? Or that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, or that May 25th is World Thyroid Day, or that the Sunday before Mother's Day is Bereaved Mother's Day. If the world was a perfect place without any hurt or heartache, we wouldn't need to name these days anything different than their month or day, but unfortunately we do. 

Honestly, I wish I didn't know these days.

I wish they didn't hold the meaning they do now. 

But those are the cards I've been dealt. 

So in light of having a new meaning to September, I figured Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month was as good of time as any to share my cancer journey update and a little back story of my thyroid journey.

I want to share a bit of backstory because a lot of pieces have come together these past few months since I last shared an update and I realized I'd never really shared what happened leading up to cancer besides my miscarriage. If you don't want the backstory and just want the update (I get it, my feelings won't be hurt, I promise) you can skip to the bottom two paragraphs. My cancer journey might have started just this year, but my thyroid journey really started in 2016 when I lost 20-30 pounds suddenly and unexpectedly - some of you might remember when it happened because it was VERY noticeable. I was a Junior in college, not eating healthy (like eating icing from the container and Braum's ice cream every other night unhealthy), and under a TON of stress. I should have been gaining weight with my terrible eating habits. My clothing no longer fit and I had no earthly idea why the weight loss happened. I went to my primary care and they ran my TSH levels and a few other tests to rule out parasites, thyroid issues, food absorption issues, etc. Everything came back normal and we decided to keep an eye on my thyroid levels yearly to make sure nothing changed. Little did I know at that point in my health journey, there are MANY other tests they can run for your thyroid. 

During the 5 years between my sudden weight loss and cancer diagnosis I struggled with weight, I couldn't gain any and I kept loosing weight with no explanation as to why. I struggled with anxiety during this time, I struggled with others commenting about my weight - or lack of it, I struggled with self confidence because my clothes didn't fit and the worst thing was I couldn't do anything about it. I struggled with excessive STINKY sweating - armpits and feet (sorry TMI), weird shin itching spells, jitters, heat sensitivity, and I chalked it up to anxiety and stress because everything looked normal - until my miscarriage happened - that's the moment I realized I needed answers for myself because something wasn't right.

Fast forward 5 years to my diagnosis - my bloodwork showed signs of an autoimmune disease. I haven't been fully diagnosed, I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist next month to dig a little deeper into this, but my symptoms and bloodwork point to something called Grave's Disease - a thyroid autoimmune disease where my thyroid was attacking itself and creating hyperthyroidism. By having this autoimmune disease, I was at a higher risk for Thyroid Cancer from the beginning. I didn't know what I didn't know at the time. And looking back now, I wish I would have been a stronger advocate for myself when my body first went into chaos. I wish I would have paid more attention to the signs that my body was calling for help instead of brushing it off. I wish I would have known what to say or ask for. I ask myself often the questions of "what if" but the truth is I didn't know how to advocate for myself or what I even needed to advocate for. The what ifs can be dangerous, because in all reality, I didn't. I didn't know or push for answers and my journey is what it is now because of that. 

I continue to share my story to hopefully help others find a way to advocate for themselves - whether it's for your thyroid, fertility, mental health, or something else. YOU KNOW YOUR BODY. Go with your gut. Don't settle for no answers. Ask the hard questions. There's still a lot that I don't know, answers that I may never find, and uncertainties that scare the sh*t out of me. But one thing I know for sure is that I am my biggest advocate. I've learned a lot. I know myself and my body and I've realized not having answers isn't an option for me. 

As for the cancer update, after my radioactive iodine (which was quite the experience, maybe one that warrants another blog post?) in May, my uptake scans showed no evidence of metastasis and my levels are slowly leveling out. So technically, at this point, I've beat the cancer. But thyroid cells take a while to die off, so I'll go in for checkups every 6 months this year and then I'll have to keep a close eye for the next 5 years to make sure it doesn't come back. 

But, I'm cancer free, just dealing with the aftermath of learning a body that requires new boundaries, new habits, and new hormone levels. The "good cancer" has kicked my butt. There's still grief that seeps in from all the trauma of the year, frustrations because of my new boundaries, and difficulties when I realize how far I've come, but how far I still have to go. But cancer free has a nice ring to it in the midst of the hurt and heartache.